According to Urban Dictionary, a “schween” is “a penis small enough to allow intercourse with a nostril (!).”Although in some cases this might apply, it isn’t the definition I’m looking for. To define the schween I’m talking about, sometimes words aren’t enough. You just … know.
Schweens manifest themselves in countless ways. You can often tell simply by the shoes they are wearing, or by a single joke they crack. A schween is that dude charming a hot girl at a bar, and everyone’s like, “Why is that hot chick talking to that schween?” (in this case, the girl is probably a lady schween … but we’ll get to those later). A schween is that smiling, successful politician who summers in the Hamptons. Or he could be a perfectly nice guy with a nice personality, but he’s wearing a graphic tee and a fedora, so unfortunately he’s automatically thrown into the schween pile.
In case you need further explanation : schween (noun) \ˈshhwēn\: usually offensive a white person (typically male) who lacks taste in clothing, humor, and general interests, yet carries himself in such a way that suggests otherwise.
If you still don’t get what I’m talking about, you’re probably a fucking schween. But just in case, find some visual aids below.
The loose pink popped mock Polo, the subtly spiked hair, the act of double-fisting (bonus if it’s a liquor like “Parrot Bay”).
The Moustache Schween
This guy grew his moustache for Movember, which is a great cause!! But he’s a little too arrogant to be wearing that hat, and I mean … he’s a schween.
The handsome guy Schween
He’s handsome on the surface. But the hair, the graphic tee, and the soul-patch give it away. Schween.
The Messanger Bag Schween
Whatever you have that’s so important that it needs to be transported from your apartment to your job, is not important enough to be carried in a messenger bag.
The E-Cigarette Schween
We get that you’re trying to quit smoking (which is great!). But e-cigs will never be cool … and spokesman Stephen Dorff’s vest and half wink are just too schweeny for words. Also, whoever’s behind this marketing campaign … with the phoenix metaphor … and the rhetorical question … and the sooo subtly faded out image of the hand holding the e-cig in the background. Schweenz.
This Schween tried to run for president.
But then again all of these dudes kinda look like Schweens:
Other Celebrity Schweens:
Zuckerberg… CEO schween.
The Jonas Brothers and whoever sketched the Jonas brothers. And the fact that the first photo was taken from a site called “iBaller.com.”
Ryan Seacrest and That Collar and Those Veneers.
We’ll leave you with that for now, but stay tuned for a weekly column expanding our definition of what we agree is one of the most important words of the decade.
RYOT NOTE: More often than not, schweens are simply a product of the culture that surrounds them. With so much bullshit out in the world, it’s a challenge to transcend and not become a schween. RYOT.org ensures you’ll never be a schween by bringing you the most honest news and the hottest stories, and by connecting you to the coolest ways to make a difference all over the world. By donating $5 to the RYOT Foundation, you’ll never have to worry about being a schween again.