What is a schween? It could be you and you just don’t know it…

By Brynn Wallner RYOT Staff March 27, 2013 at 5:44 pm
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According to Urban Dictionary, a “schween” is “a penis small enough to allow intercourse with a nostril (!).”Although in some cases this might apply, it isn’t the definition I’m looking for. To define the schween I’m talking about, sometimes words aren’t enough. You just … know. 

Schweens manifest themselves in countless ways. You can often tell simply by the shoes they are wearing, or by a single joke they crack. A schween is that dude charming a hot girl at a bar, and everyone’s like, “Why is that hot chick talking to that schween?” (in this case, the girl is probably a lady schween … but we’ll get to those later). A schween is that smiling, successful politician who summers in the Hamptons. Or he could be a perfectly nice guy with a nice personality, but he’s wearing a graphic tee and a fedora, so unfortunately he’s automatically thrown into the schween pile.

In case you need further explanation : schween (noun) \ˈshhwēn\: usually offensive a white person (typically male) who lacks taste in clothing, humor, and general interests, yet carries himself in such a way that suggests otherwise.

If you still don’t get what I’m talking about, you’re probably a fucking schween. But just in case, find some visual aids below.

Classic Schween

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The loose pink popped mock Polo, the subtly spiked hair, the act of double-fisting (bonus if it’s a liquor like “Parrot Bay”).

The Moustache Schween

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This guy grew his moustache for Movember, which is a great cause!! But he’s a little too arrogant to be wearing that hat, and I mean … he’s a schween.

The handsome guy Schween

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He’s handsome on the surface. But the hair, the graphic tee, and the soul-patch give it away. Schween.

The Messanger Bag Schween

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Whatever you have that’s so important that it needs to be transported from your apartment to your job, is not important enough to be carried in a messenger bag.

The E-Cigarette Schween

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We get that you’re trying to quit smoking (which is great!). But e-cigs will never be cool … and spokesman Stephen Dorff’s vest and half wink are just too schweeny for words. Also, whoever’s behind this marketing campaign … with the phoenix metaphor … and the rhetorical question … and the sooo subtly faded out image of the hand holding the e-cig in the background. Schweenz.

Rick Perry

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This Schween tried to run for president.

But then again all of these dudes kinda look like Schweens:

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Other Celebrity Schweens:

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Zuckerberg… CEO schween.

 

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The Jonas Brothers and whoever sketched the Jonas brothers. And the fact that the first photo was taken from a site called “iBaller.com.”

 

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Ryan Seacrest and That Collar and Those Veneers.

We’ll leave you with that for now, but stay tuned for a weekly column expanding our definition of what we agree is one of the most important words of the decade.

RYOT NOTE: More often than not, schweens are simply a product of the culture that surrounds them. With so much bullshit out in the world, it’s a challenge to transcend and not become a schween. RYOT.org ensures you’ll never be a schween by bringing you the most honest news and the hottest stories, and by connecting you to the coolest ways to make a difference all over the world. By donating $5 to the RYOT Foundation, you’ll never have to worry about being a schween again.

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