On its surface, Amazon.com is a virtual dreamscape for the curious shopper, a menagerie of eclectic products, none of which you actually need, all available for purchase with a single click. And it is that ever-so-dangerous 1-Click Ordering that leads to some impulsive and questionable decisions. Case in point: Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears.
Look, everyone loves Gummy Bears. They’re a classic. But they’re also terrible for you. They’re literally globs of sugar, starch, syrup and gelatin. That’s gross. So it’s understandable that people would be tempted to try a healthier variety.
Enter Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, described as an “international favorite” on their Amazon.com product page. A measly $25 will get you a five-pound bag of gelatinous, bear-shaped, Lycasin-sweetened treats. According to the unfortunate souls who made the spur-of-the-moment decision to purchase and consume these dark but colorful creations, that $25 will also get you flatulence that sounds “like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell,” and diarrhea that feels like “someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw.”
Buried at the bottom of the product description — just beneath “jewel-like sparkling clear colors” and “an international favorite” — is this cautionary phrase: “This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess.” Based on the product reviews, “intestinal distress” doesn’t begin to describe the torturous experience of digesting these Lycasin-laced laxatives.
Don’t believe us? Here are some of our favorite excerpts from the comments section…
It’s Like the Movie 2012 in Your Gut
When I got these, I couldn’t contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. Scenes from the movie 2012 could have been filmed inside my gut. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you’ve eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you’re pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma’s Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well. C. Cooper
Perfect Pre-Colonoscopy Treatment
Next time I am scheduled for a colonoscopy, I plan to eat sugar free gummi bears instead of drinking that nasty magnesium citrate. The bears are delicious and the cleansing effect is the same! KathyW
‘This Can’t All Be My S**t’
As I type this review, I’m on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I’m not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I’m getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can’t be all my s***. There’s no way. That’s not my s***. That’s s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I’ve eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I’m worried the war veteran below me thinks he’s storming Normandy again. Craig L
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude. DeleriouslyHappyTaxPayer
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. C. Torok
Best tasting colon cleanse food ever! I pooped enough for ten people, and now I know what chocolate rain really is! WOOT! L. Rollins
Why are we hitching a ride to space with the Russians when we could just be using these babies? If I achieved liftoff on just a few of them, a pound and a half should have no trouble getting a much lighter person into lower orbit. Our astronauts will become asstronauts! Anonymous
After reading these reviews I decided to buy a couple bags to test on my roommate. He’s that guy that will just take a bite of your sandwich OR if you just so happen to have a bowl of delicious gummy bears on the table he will take it upon himself to handful after handful
After he consumed about 1 1/2 bags of these time bombs he decided to go to his girlfriend’s house…I think we know where this goes. I get a text from him this morning complaining about having to shit literally all night long and all day at work. I then refer him to this page and proceed to laugh. I don’t think he learned anything valuable from this but I couldn’t not try it. Brandon B.
‘Tastes Like Regret’
Tastes like regret.
Highly recommended by gasteroenterologists and colonoscopy nurses everywhere. Sponsored by all toilet paper companies. Frustrating colonic cleanse “spas” for years. Confusing those who tout herbal diet “cleanses”.
Angering stool softening representatives since 2009. Laura
Instead of spending $25 to experience the most severe bout of intestinal distress you could possibly imagine, consider donating to Feeding America, which uses its vast network of food banks to feed the one in six Americans who battle hunger every single day. Click on the gray box alongside this story to learn more, donate and Become the News!