Earlier today, a crazy student who sort of looks like Carrot Top (at least laying face down on the grass) reportedly went on a building-to-building stabbing rampage at Lone Star Community College, wounding 14 people, including 4 who were airlifted to a hospital.
While most students were running for their lives in the opposite direction of this maniacal, X-Acto-knife-wielding redhead, one brave soul lept into action, chasing him down like a cheetah hot on the tail of a gazelle, then subduing the alleged stabber until police arrived.
That man is Steven Maida. That’s his real name, anyway, but he’s better known as @cheesin365, his Instagram handle which surged in popularity after he posted a picture of the suspect shortly after he was tackled to the ground.
Here’s the photo accompanied by @cheesin365’s own words:
“fuck this mothafucker stabbed 5 people.2 girls in the cheek. Everyone ran the other way I said fuck that. Me and this kid got em #lonestarstabbing#fuckthiskid #copsaretooslow”
Bravo, @cheesin365, Bravo. Normally, the story ends here, but at RYOT News, we like to go deep on things. So naturally, we checked out this guy’s — strike that — this HERO’s Instagram feed to see if we could find some clues on how to become a dispenser of swift, vigilante justice. Based on his photos, he’s been preparing for this moment his entire life. Here is what we found.
HOW TO BE A VIGILANTE, ACCORDING TO STEVEN MAIDA
1. Lift them weights …
2. … then eat your whey protein.
3. If you find yourself in an emergency situation without whey protein, stick to lean meat.
4. Wear tight polo shirts to show off your musculature and intimidate would-be criminals.
5. Every hero surrounds himself with a bevy of beautiful women.
6. Saving lives isn’t easy. Sometimes, you have to drink to forget. Bud Light appears to be the elixir of choice.
7. Listen to as much Jay-Z as possible to stay “Forever Young,” so you feel spry enough to fight crime.
8. Never stop dancing.
9. Impart your wisdom whenever topics of lofty, philosophical importance arise.
10. Never give a shit what anyone else thinks.
There you have it — The Guide to Becoming a Vigilante, courtesy of @cheesin365 on Instagram. But just to be clear, we can’t recommend trying the shit this kid pulled off today at home. Unless you’ve followed all ten of these steps, you probably have no idea what you’re doing.
RYOT NOTE: Yes! We love this guy. Based on his Instagram feed, he’s been training to tackle criminals his entire life. And even though he got to this guy first, we all know that without the police, we’d be in world of hurt because not everyone is as much of a badass as our boy Cheesin. So if you have a second, click on the gray box alongside this story to check out The National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund. They’re working hard to make sure we remember our fallen heroes, so visit their site, consider donating and share this story to Become the News!